There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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