i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
