Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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