i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
