I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Randomize