She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
