oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
