what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
