Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
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