i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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