In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
