it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Randomize
