I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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