Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
