The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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