Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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