Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Randomize
