The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Sorry my hands just texted you
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
