I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
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