Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Randomize
