My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
how does that bad decision feel?
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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