i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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