Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Randomize
