She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
