Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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