Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Randomize
