I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
