An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
