best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
