Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
