I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
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