There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
