I want to make a zoo with you.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize
