It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I wish there were birth control emojis
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
