he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
