I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
