if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize