Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
