Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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