someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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