I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I AM VODKA MAN
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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