dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Randomize
