YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
