It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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