Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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