I looked at my own cervix.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Randomize
