sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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