I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
