Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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