I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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