He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
And then he peed in my hair
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
