I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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