babies were throwing up all over the place
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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