I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Randomize
