Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Randomize
