Im at strip club and am horny
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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