Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Randomize
