so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
It was like getting head from an anaconda
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize
