I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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