but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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