Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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