whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Randomize
