please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Randomize
