Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
