i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
