I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Randomize
