You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
