i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
i would punch a child for taco bell
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
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