I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
Randomize
